I lately had a lifelong good friend inform me one thing I can’t shake. You ever have a kind of conversations that lingers for days and weeks after they occur? We’d had a couple of cocktails and all types of truths had been popping out. The good, the dangerous and the ugly. I relished in all of it, the uncooked honesty. However she shocked me when she mentioned, “You’re so damn perfect all the time. Your life looks fucking perfect” and “I think my mom wishes I was more like you and it hurts me. I really hate it. I’m a mess, but go around pretending I’m fine, and you…your life just looks perfect.”
In my head I screamed, “Say whaaaaat?!” On the skin, although, I froze. My eyes popped out of my head and my coronary heart sank to the ground. Little does this individual know, I’ve seemed as much as her my complete life, wishing I may very well be extra like her. I used to decorate like her in Center College, dyed my hair like her in highschool and tried to observe her lead in faculty. She was, and nonetheless is, one in all my private idols- however I by no means informed her that to her face. I by no means shared that reality with her- till she shared this reality with me. You’re life appears so fucking good on a regular basis. The undeniable fact that she was telling me this, whereas crying, was not solely painful, it was like somebody had pulled the rug out from underneath my toes.
Name me naive, however I did NOT see that coming. It’s like she took the phrases proper out of my mouth. She stole my storyline! However how may she probably really feel this fashion? I believed I used to be the one who felt this fashion?! I gave her a hug, informed her she was the proper one and that I cherished her. There was a lot extra I may have mentioned, I simply couldn’t discover the phrases on the time.
The subsequent day I shook it off, however then obtained to considering: what number of girls go round feeling this fashion and never speaking about it? How many people stroll round with our heads held excessive, performing like every thing is completely superb, when it simply isn’t? Why can we maintain our struggles to ourselves solely to spill the beans to a random taxi driver who we’ll by no means see once more? Or once we’ve had one drink too many. Why are we so afraid of being weak across the folks that know and love us? Why can we (myself included) act “so fucking perfect all the time?”
To my pricey sister/good friend, please know this: I like you (SO a lot), and I’m sorry for utilizing you an instance right here, however you impressed me. And now I’m calling bull shit on myself, and each different one who has an id on-line that appears “perfect.” I’m whistleblowing the entire rattling system as a result of that is WRONG with a capitol W(TF).
There are a lot of features of society that I may blame for mine and others’ “curated content” that you simply’ve seen, however I’ll solely communicate for myself- my actions and my truths.
Clearly, I haven’t been as “full disclosure” as I’ve prided myself to be the final two years since I began sharing my round-the-world journey with all of you. If a single individual thinks my life is with out flaws, then I’ve failed you (and myself) as a result of that’s precisely the intent of sharing my journey within the first place- to inform the reality and nothing however the reality, as I journey around the globe.
My reality, like so lots of yours, is messy and stuffed with flaws. My reality is a giant cluster fuck of ugly, messy, stunning experiences which have lead me to this precise level I’m at right this moment.
My reality is that this: I’m simply popping out of what has been the toughest 5 months of my life. I misplaced a pricey good friend and Brother in April. He died…evaporating into skinny air, by no means to come back again to me, or his household once more. Previous to this, I’d by no means had an up shut and private expertise with Dying and I wasn’t processing it very properly. I then got here dwelling in Might to see household, to mourn and get my head on straight. I used to be greeted with my Mom telling me the docs discovered a lump in her breast. (Don’t fear, she’s superb now.)
Just a few days after that dangerous information I obtained extra dangerous information, this time from again “home” in Africa. My then boyfriend (and fiancé) cheated on me. One minute we had been engaged and in love headed in direction of beginning a household, the subsequent we had been arranging a divorce earlier than the marriage. Every part I owned was nonetheless there in his flat, whereas I used to be at dwelling with sufficient garments for per week, however that was the least of my worries. We ended it and your entire trajectory of my life shifted. Just a few weeks after that I misplaced one other lifelong greatest good friend, to not demise however to one thing virtually as painful.
From there, I went to Europe on a two week Viking Cruise by means of Scandinavia, and all you noticed had been stunning countryside pictures- all smiles. Was I faking it? Perhaps. However I used to be attempting to place my greatest face ahead. Certainly you may perceive. Was I attempting to deceive anybody? No, perhaps simply myself. I went round saying “I’m fine! Totally great. Happy to be here, and good riddance to that guy! My Mom is going to live forever and life is great!”
I took the recommendation of “fake it ’till you make it” and made it my faith.
I used to be “faking it” to the nth diploma. However my reality is FAR from good. It’s nearer to an impediment course (on fireplace) than to the proper seashores I’ve posted so many footage from.
The reality is that what you see on-line are my tangible efforts to be higher. What you see is me attempting. What I share with you’re my successes- completely satisfied moments, hidden gems I’ve discovered around the globe and nuggets of knowledge I’ve picked up. What you don’t see are the darkish days earlier than these completely satisfied moments. Why would I submit a photograph of myself crying into my wine glass amidst a Shit Storm of a bed room as I try to unpack my journey luggage? Why would I share footage of the ceiling I couldn’t tear my eyes from once I sat in shock every time I obtained a bit of terrible information the previous 5 months?
All of us have our issues- our stories- and boy can we do our greatest to cowl them up, package deal ourselves properly and tie a ribbon round an almost bursting Pandora’s Field. I don’t wish to carry round Pandora’s Field AND lead folks to imagine I’m some “perfect” particular person. That’s simply hypocritical, and I concern we’re already residing in a extremely hypocritical world right this moment. A world during which people aren’t allowed to be what they are- HUMAN. I wish to be the exception to that rule.
I’ve gone round with the idea that if I put constructive power on the market, I’ll appeal to constructive power again. I didn’t wish to perpetuate negativity for myself or others, so I suffered in silence for these previous few months. I figured I’d spare everybody the ugly and share the WINS as a substitute. However maybe there’s one other piece of the Life Puzzle to contemplate.
Maybe in sharing your trials and tribulations, others can respect the entire image extra clearly together with you, and have fun when the completely satisfied moments come. Maybe telling the WHOLE TRUTH is the ONLY TRUTH, and anything is only a white lie. All I do know is that this: Life wouldn’t be Life with out battle and triumph, and lightweight wouldn’t exist with out darkish. So I can’t name myself “authentic” and solely share the wins, with out the losses. Someplace between South East Asia, South Africa and California I forgot this, however I’ve been reminded now. So, to my pricey good friend who shall stay nameless, thanks. Thanks for serving to me see what I couldn’t…or serving to me to share what I couldn’t let others see. Thanks for calling me out. The world wants extra folks like you- Truth Seekers. I respect you and everybody else who holds me accountable for this life. I’m past blessed to have such sturdy folks round me, all around the globe, and I’ll by no means take that with no consideration.
As we go on our merry (or not-so-merry) methods round planet Earth, it’s my hope that we are able to all be just a little extra human. It’s my best want to dwell in a world the place there’s sufficient time and house for everybody to not simply dwell, however to dwell authentically. In any other case, what’s the purpose?